CastleRealm

The website CastleRealm appears to be offline, and its webmaster Lord Colm doesn't seem to be available.

This is depressing to me for a few reasons. CR was a website that was extremely helpful and comforting to me when I began my journey through the world of BDSM, and particularly when I self-realized myself as a submissive.

Many of the writings in regards to submission were based on Lord Colm's sub named jade, who died some time ago of lupus. I've wanted to believe that the fact that it was a memorial would mean it would stay online for as long as it took...

I wonder if it's on me to remember and keep what I learned from CastleRealm in my heart out of respect of her memory.

Are you in a power struggle?

Taken from "Heart of the Soul" again. I'm going to juxtapose this with how I feel when I play competitive games such as Street Fighter and Yu-Gi-Oh.

Am I feeling right? I feel right if I win.

Am I certain the other person is wrong? It depends. If they employ static strategies that haven't worked before, then yes they're wrong. Crashing into a brick wall 10 times doesn't make it break down the 11th time unless your head is made of steel. And if it is, I think my brick wall is stronger.

Am I feeling hurt? In Street Fighter, I feel an intrinsic connection to my character. If they get KO'ed, I feel a certain sense of hurt. But until they reach the KO point, I can take as much punishment as the other guy can dish out. It's a little different in Yu-Gi-Oh, since the resources are split up and varied and if I lack resources, I could be vulnerable. But in terms of Life Points, I'll risk them to gain an advantage.

Am I feeling angry? Sometimes. If they use the same tactic and I fail to come up with a counter strategy, I get pretty angry and that's when my child kicks in, whining about unfairness and cheap tricks. Sometimes it takes the entire day to get that child to understand that, no, if it's in the game, it's in the game, but sometimes I do have to wonder how far people are willing to go to win.

Am I impatient? I am the embodiment of impatience.

Am I blaming others? If the crowd is haranguing me (whether it be for or against me), I am likely to take it out on them, but ultimately I know the outcome is in my hands. If my opponent is a friend to me, I am cool regardless of what happens, but if there's tension and my game is thrown off focus by the peanut gallery, things can get ugly.

Am I feeling distance from another person? Most self-help books of this type state that you should take responsibility for your emotions, but in this case I have to disagree. Whether I feel distant from a person or not is dependent on the other person. I meet them halfway every time by even challenging them in the first place. Whether they're scared of me (and God knows why someone would be scared of ME) or don't like me or whatever is irrelevant, I'm out there and a brother could just say hey. (Dr. B!)

Am I attached to an outcome? No. My feelings on winning or losing is wholly dependent on circumstance. Sometimes I actually prefer to lose.

Do I want to win? Everybody WANTS to win; preference and desire are not the same thing.

If your answer to any of these questions is yes, you are in a power struggle. Well, duh.

Take an Inventory

Consider every activity that you do daily. Go through your day, beginning with when you wake, and take an inventory of your actions and your belongings. Ask these questions for everything that you do or have:

* "Do I do or have this to survive?"
* "Do I do or have this to feel more secure?"
* "Do I do or have this to feel better about myself?"
* "Do I do or have this to feel better than others?"
* "Do I do or have this to be safer?"

For every Yes, ask yourself, "How could I see the things that I do or have differently?" For example, "Instead of eating to make myself feel good, or to feel more secure, I eat so that I can take care of my body." "Instead of having my husband or wife to feel better about myself, or safer, I am with my husband or wife to be in a true partnership."

Make this a habit: Before you do anything, ask yourself, "What is my intention for doing this?"

This is something I'd have to do with myself daily, so I'm probably not going to blog about every single thing I do. But as I said before, dialysis is the big thing. I certainly do it to survive, and I have my own reasons. Perhaps I need to look at it differently. "I go to dialysis so that my body can heal." But it seems no matter how I phrase it, it comes down to survival.

I guess other exercises may help in the future?

Beyond Survival

Part of a series of exercises I am doing based on a book called "Heart of the Soul" by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis. If any readers here haven't read that book, I strongly recommend you do so.

Anyway... this is the exercise:

Do this simple exercise of looking at your life to see why you do the things that you do and have the things that you have. Look deeply. Spend some quiet time. Consider why you eat, exercise, have the car that you do, have the partner you do, have the home that you do. Ask yourself, "Do I do this for survival? To feel better about myself? To feel more secure?"

The obvious thing to look at is dialysis. I, of course, go to dialysis for survival. If I don't, I will die or worse as life has proven to me. And what of it? Well, my blood-driven insanity has caused the suffering of loved ones and that's something I don't want to happen again.

As for possessions, I have very little that I would consider "mine". Perhaps the computer that I use, but even that is my mom's - my actual computer has a busted hard drive and is currently just taking up space in my room. And the computer is currently my main form of social interaction as I've become something of a hikikomori.

I don't really do anything to feel better about myself or more secure. The former is rather silly, since I'd be fooling myself, and the latter is impossible for me - right now, I'm basically under the care of my parents and sister due to my disease. They could be resentful, but I believe they genuinely aren't - I've pushed them on the issue because of my own insecurity.

So... there's the answer to that.

Can doctors do this?

My mom went to urgent care for a lung problem and they gave her a medication that they should have known she'd be allergic to. Can they do this and get away with it? Something similar happened to me at Loma Linda, except thank God, I didn't have a reaction. Still... how can doctors DO this?!