Beyond Survival

Part of a series of exercises I am doing based on a book called "Heart of the Soul" by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis. If any readers here haven't read that book, I strongly recommend you do so.

Anyway... this is the exercise:

Do this simple exercise of looking at your life to see why you do the things that you do and have the things that you have. Look deeply. Spend some quiet time. Consider why you eat, exercise, have the car that you do, have the partner you do, have the home that you do. Ask yourself, "Do I do this for survival? To feel better about myself? To feel more secure?"

The obvious thing to look at is dialysis. I, of course, go to dialysis for survival. If I don't, I will die or worse as life has proven to me. And what of it? Well, my blood-driven insanity has caused the suffering of loved ones and that's something I don't want to happen again.

As for possessions, I have very little that I would consider "mine". Perhaps the computer that I use, but even that is my mom's - my actual computer has a busted hard drive and is currently just taking up space in my room. And the computer is currently my main form of social interaction as I've become something of a hikikomori.

I don't really do anything to feel better about myself or more secure. The former is rather silly, since I'd be fooling myself, and the latter is impossible for me - right now, I'm basically under the care of my parents and sister due to my disease. They could be resentful, but I believe they genuinely aren't - I've pushed them on the issue because of my own insecurity.

So... there's the answer to that.