Between Α and Ω

Hooray for male pattern baldness

2009-12-19T02:14:00.000-08:00

I have recently noticed a bald spot in my hair. I knew I would probably lose my hair in my lifetime and I thought I was ready for it, but it's in a weird spot - just below the top of my head - and it looks odd. I'm starting to think about combing it over, not for vanity's sake, although you could say it is. It just looks strange. And my age is starting to hit me, too. I wish I could put it some other way, but I kinda feel like a loser right now. The current bout of depression I'm struggling with isn't helping, either.

FUNimation ruined JINKI:Extend

2009-11-17T11:08:00.001-08:00

This is one of my favorite anime shows, as a few people here know. I could live with or without the manga, as I think the mangaka is kind of clueless about human nature, but the anime is priceless to me.

Which is why I'm pretty furious about this.

I just watched the first dubbed episode that FUNi came out with, and my mind is reeling with anger. Why? Well, watch it for yourself if you dare, but I'll lay out my initial qualms.

* Aoba's grandmother's death is a key plot point because Aoba doesn't understand the reality of death. Dub throws the "YOU CAN'T DIE!" line into her mouth just because that's what people do when loved ones die automatically, right?

* Ryouhei is not pronounced "REE-YO-HEY". VIZ may mangle pronunciations from time to time, but at least they try. On that note, ruining the voice of one of my favorite anime male characters ever is unforgivable.

* Okay, it's been awhile since I've seen the original to confirm this, and I can't check because somehow every single fansub of JINKI:Extend on the net has mysteriously disappeared, but the keepsake Aoba has wasn't necessarily her grandmother's. At least, I don't think she said so with her voice. When I heard her say that, all I heard was "I CAN SEE THEIR PARACHUTES".

* "Let's be careful out there"... yeah. 'Cause Venezuelans totally know enough about "Hill Street Blues" to reference it.

* The sexism in American culture clearly shows here. Ryouhei in the original is just gruff and unlikable, and makes sexist jokes to push people away, but the dub takes it too far by throwing in sexist slang when there wasn't any. Also, cussing doesn't automatically make you badass.

* Speaking of sexism, remember those terrifying silent episode previews that the show had? Gone. Instead we have some corny soundtrack with Shizuka's VA drolly and monotonely trying to seduce us with the phrase "Watch it, you know you want to." I know I do not want to. GTFO with that shit.

* The only VA I recognized was Kira Vincent Davis, and she wasn't even playing a character I remember.

Holy crap, was this bad. I am not watching episode 2. I'm just going to wait until I can somehow get a pirate DVD or something. There's no way I'm trusting either FUNimation or ADV Films after this. The awful "uncut" Sailor Moon DVDs were bad enough.

Seizure yay

2009-11-11T00:15:00.001-08:00

I had a massive seizure last week Wednesday, doubled by the fact that I was kicking so hard I sprained my left leg (there's a massive blotch of a bruise on my thigh) and I seized again while in the ER. Now I'm watching my behavior because there's little else that I can do, and finding that my OCD is the thing to beat to defeat this particular illness. It forces me to push my body well beyond its limits and I can trace all of my previous seizures to overworking myself.

Hell, here I am now on the computer when I should be resting. If I didn't have dialysis in two hours, I'd certainly rest. I'm going to have to force myself, I think.

I win at games = I'm better than you

2009-10-30T01:15:00.000-07:00

Some days I have to wonder why God brings certain people to me. I have believed that everyone who comes in my life is there to receive a gift from me and to give a gift in kind, and it's a matter of being aware of that. But what happens when the only thing I can take from an experience with someone is that some people are hopelessly handicapped?

While playing Duel Monsters Expert, I came across a player who took every opportunity to mock me. His attitude got me frustrated enough so that I intentionally played as slowly as possible to get on his nerves, and then he started upbraiding me for displaying behaviors that he had done not 10 minutes ago.

I'm not proud of the things I ended up doing - certainly not behavior that someone who is seeking to be in alignment with his own spirituality would have done - but in retrospect, I had to wonder: could it be he actually thought he was better than me because he could defeat me at this game? He said "I don't have to respect losers"; is that an attitude that I could ever have?

It seems a childish attitude, but people seem to believe this even in their later years. The world of competition often breeds people like that. And I know I could never become like that. There was a point in my life where it was possible that I could believe that, but not anymore. So what was the point of that encounter? He certainly didn't gain anything from me, other than perhaps the chance to lord his victory over me to himself. I didn't gain anything other than - what? The opportunity to feel good about myself? I can't believe that.

Or maybe I *need* to believe that?

Acne at 30 is stupid

2009-09-19T21:35:00.000-07:00

So I have this pimple on my cheek that got "ingrown" or something and is now a red blotch with seemingly no place to drain from. Thankfully, I have an appointment with the dermatologist on Wednesday, so he can look at it and tell me exactly what it is. It may just be acne but I really doubt it. I don't know what else to do til then but pray and go to the ER if it gets painful. But I mean, if it needs surgery... well, that will suck. It's on my fucking cheek.

Okay, that was a brief pause for physical challenges. I now return you to your regularly scheduled philosophical meanderings.

Hypocrisy much, Jack Chick?

2009-09-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

One of Jack Chick's most salient points in his tracts was that when you were in hell, you burned for all eternity, alone. If you thought you'd see your friends and family there, well, you're mistaken.

Oh, wait...

Some Like It Hot

A man and his grandfather are shown conversing, and in a ridiculous scene, Satan tells them how it went down 2000 years ago. I mean, Mr. Chick, I know your goal is to scare people into believing in Super Shiny Death Jesus, but kids read this stuff. Do you really think they're going to buy this?

I'm only afraid that some more easily influenced people will actually be scared by this hogwash.

A self-hypnosis how-to

2009-08-30T07:55:00.000-07:00

Over this past week, I had two root canals. This gave me the chance to practice some self-hypnosis.

If you close your eyes, you can often see little flashes of light. I'm not sure what they are yet, but if you focus your vision on them, they can sometimes expand, contract or dissipate, depending on just how strong your focus is. I think they may be unpredictable. But if you can draw your focus on them, it helps the time go by and can sometimes even free you from pain.

While I still had some pain during these root canals, they were generally milder than expected, and the recovery process has been, for the most part, pain-free. I'd like to practice this technique more.

"I don't love you because I need you..."

2009-08-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

"...I need you because I love you."

I'm sure some of you have heard this bumper sticker "wisdom" before. My mom used to say it was the ideal kind of love. I always thought that was bullshit, even as a kid, but now I'm gonna try to articulate why.

First off, "need" beyond the hunter-gatherer sense is an illusion. And even when you're talking about the basic needs like food and shelter, they still assume that remaining alive is a requirement. If you didn't care whether you lived or died, then you really don't need anything at all.

But let's run with the jingoistic definition of "need" as something that is really preferable to have. Exactly what do you think your lover will think with that construction? If anything, it's even more pathological. Just because you fall in love with someone, suddenly you need them? At least the first construction is somewhat logical. The feelings of affection derive from a requirement. If the person stops providing what is required, the feelings cease, simple as that

The latter is some fuddy-duddy, "Oprah"-watching, soap opera version of love that allows you to be the main character in your own drama, day in day out, and your lover is just a supporting character. Imagine if he feels the same about you? Would anything ever get done? You'd probably spend all your days going between fighting to having make-up sex, and then fighting just so you can have make-up sex, and that would sum up your entire existence.

It's sad, it's pathetic, and God damn it, it's not fucking love. Real love requires nothing, and therefore need does not enter into the equation.

Nagareboshi he

2009-08-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

Tonight, on my way to dialysis, I saw a shooting star.

I note this because this is actually the first shooting star I remember seeing; usually, my brother sees them (and he sees them quite frequently) and tells me to look, but by the time I do, it is of course, too late.

What does it mean? We, of course, know that they're not really shooting stars at all; just masses of something burning up in the atmosphere as it's drawn to Earth. But that could have its own meaning, too. You never really know.

The cosmos is quite intriguing in its expanse..

On side note: Sasha returning to Sluggy Freelance? Fuckin' awesome.

Zoë, are you sure you're smarter than Torg?

2009-07-27T01:07:00.000-07:00

Monday's Sluggy Freelance.

FUCK... YES.

You don't know me

2009-07-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

I find it sad that I have to resort to this common rejoinder. But it's true.

I have come to realize that most people who claim to know me in real life don't really know me at all. More specifically, they do not yet understand the true depth of my illness. I have to believe one of two things: they either think I'm faking my illness (which is stupid, the proof is in my left arm which looks like a T-virus arm at this point, unless they think I just mangled my own arm to get sympathy), or they are just waiting for me to die (which is too painful to contemplate, but some days it's the only thing that makes sense).

This is mostly a vent against Shoryuken.com, or more appropriately the people who post there. The Cannon brothers mostly keep this site running off of their own money, and Mr. Wizard and his friends run the tournaments with their own time and effort, but the people there take it all for granted, and tend to treat me like a second-class citizen. And hey, that's fine and all...

But I *started* this gangster shit, and this is the motherfucking thanks I get?

Yeah, agsf2 was around before me, but they took Marvel vs. Capcom as a joke. There was a MvC board before mine, but the guy who ran it didn't even care about the scene. So yes, I will say, the Marvel scene is alive because of fucking me, and if you don't respect that, then fuck you too. I don't even care if you can beat me at the game. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have that game to play.

So, yes, this is a vent, but I mean it from balls to bones.

Self-discipline

2009-07-12T06:41:00.000-07:00

I had a dream which made me think about how deliberately I, or any of us, do things, and I am now trying to be deliberate in my actions.

See, most people, when they do things, don't really do things deliberately. They do things out of habit. This includes thought. We rarely think about the things we are thinking about, to paraphrase one of my favorite plays "Inherit the Wind". It is because of this that accidents happen.

Think about it, how many people want to be a success in Street Fighter? But most people aren't. They don't know why; they are as smart as the next guy. And it's true; they are as smart as the next guy. This isn't a slam on people. But the system we have - it is undeniably dysfunctional. And the reason for that is that keeps the majority of people in a lazy form of thinking.

Just doing whatever - it works from month to month. We are tricked into thinking that things like self-discipline are too much work. When all self-discipline really is, is just... actively "being" as much as possible. Not being anything; not trying to do anything - just being. Being who you are. Not even that far. Just being.

It's hard when you have bad habits, which is why it's really as easy (and as difficult) as being deliberate. It's pretty tiring. I've only been doing it two hours now and I'm exhausted. But I'm gonna keep doing it.

Friendship > Destiny?

2009-07-09T02:23:00.000-07:00

Friend: A person other than a family member, spouse or lover whose company one enjoys and towards whom one feels affection.

Destiny: That to which any person or thing is destined; a predetermined state; a condition foreordained by the Divine or by human will; fate; lot; doom.

Ever since the "Yu-Gi-Oh!" franchise started focusing on Duel Monsters and the card game that ensued, it seems to have an overlying message that the power of friendship can overcome destiny; this was especially prominent in GX's "Society of Light" arc and 5D's recent "Dark Signers" lot.

What the hell, Japanese guys?

Destiny is, by definition, predetermined, and the outcome of a card game cannot be altered by feelings. I could excuse it in Takahashi's manga and in the Duel Monsters anime because Atem actually had a power to influence fate via his title as the King of Games, but lately it's getting ridiculous, and is giving a lot of kids the wrong idea.

I understand that the feelings of bonds between friends are strong and that we want to protect those bonds anyway we can, but fighting is not the way to do it. "Yu-Gi-Oh!" goes to silly lengths to avoid showing excessive bloodshed, but this message is much more insidious in stuff like "Naruto" and "Bleach" where people actually fight with the intent to kill over these bonds.

Look, real life doesn't work that way. I know I might be expecting too much from a cartoon (and don't get mad, guys, that's what it is), but these things do influence children's behavior, and if you disagree, you obviously have forgotten what it's like to be a kid. Now, I know it's very romantic to believe you're fighting to protect a bond. But you are seriously risking so much more than you stand to gain. You fight, you die, and at best (if you believe in an afterlife) those bonds may not be broken, but they endure a harsh test. At worst (as many people no longer believe in the immortality of the soul), the bond is broken irretrievably, and the pain is far worse.

My fanfic "Yu-Gi-Oh! Negative Zero" is trying to explore this faulty message and use the medium to try to get to the truth. The truth is difficult to find these days, and while philosophical meanderings don't always get you there, they can get you closer. That, combined with my very real beliefs, will hopefully create something that is both entertaining and thought-provoking.

That's it for my pundit impression. And I am out! </crack_stuntman>

Remembering Michael Jackson

2009-06-25T22:01:00.000-07:00

People who know me know about the weird coincidence that happened the day Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died, so I'll just skip that and get to the remembering.

The first time I heard of Michael Jackson was when I saw the music video for "Beat It" at the Gilmers' house. The Gilmers are well known Bahá'ís who have a long career as musicians spreading the word of the Bahá'í Faith. I'm not sure what seed got caught in me, but before I knew it I had bought the "Bad" album on cassette.

I loved Michael Jackson well beyond the time everyone started making fun of him. I remember wanting to do a book report on "Moonwalk". I was laughed off. It was a hard day for me.

I'm not sure at what point I realized that Jackson was far gone beyond the point where anyone could save him, but it became too difficult to listen to his music. My brother, though, never stopped being able to enjoy his music. He's an interesting guy that way.

Rest in peace, Michael. I'm remembering you as the guy from "Thriller" who believed in the world.

My relation to pornography

2009-06-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

Unlike most men my age, I keep no pornography on my computer. However, I occasionally look at fetish-oriented pictures and watch fetish-oriented videos. It has always depressed me that I sometimes resort to these things, especially when I've never needed pornography for the purposes most people use it for. But I think I understand better now.

I don't like that I look at pornography still, but I at least now know why I do it. Behind every posed smile, behind every vacuous stare, there is a lost soul. And something in my heart, something more innocent, believes that if I stare back, if I remember their faces, that purity behind the tempting façade, I can save them. God bless the lost souls, because nobody else will. Other than me, apparently.

Andrea Dworkin was a brave person who actually set forth the idea that women cannot be free unless pornography is completely abolished. I agree with her. I think she staked her life on this cause, and lost it. This world has a dependence on constantly regenerating itself in an endless cycle, and whatever is not part of that is destroyed. If that's the case, I'll stake my own life on it as well.

Trying to eliminate pornography, however, is pointless. People are who they are and I can't change that; only state what I believe, which I will do, in real life and otherwise. At least, I vow to try my best to do so. My hope and dream is to see a world without this.

Go ahead and say it will never happen. I intend to prove all of you wrong.

Change of behavior

2009-05-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

I'm on a new drug called Neurontin, and it is changing my personality. I'm actually friendly now, and it bothers me. How can a pill change my personality? It prevents seizures and takes away the constant pain I used to be in, so I guess that's good. But I was friendly before and it led to me getting hurt and pushed around. I think I liked being a jerk. But I don't know what to do. Oh well, guess I'll run with it. Better than being in pain.

Games and self-hypnosis

2009-05-03T08:57:00.001-07:00

Well, first time in awhile: I'm writing about games again!

This time, I want to talk about combos and infinites: infinites in particular. As most of you know, an infinite combo is a combo that can loop indefinitely. Magneto and Iron Man have well known infinites in Marvel vs. Capcom 2, and most characters in X-Men vs. Street Fighter have practical infinites.

Some people see these combos as easy to do, but here's the thing: I can't do them.

I'm not sure what it is when I try to do them. I could best describe it as my brain short circuiting. I can get at most two repetitions before my brain starts second guessing itself and disrupting my rhythm. I have to wonder if this is unique to me or if other people get this. I can do most of these infinites in practice mode, but for some reason when it's against another person, I lose my nerve.

I have observed other people who can execute the infinites successfully, and it seems to me that many of them enter a state of self-hypnosis where they lose consciousness of their own selves and merely execute the combo. People who can do resets (interrupting the combo with another mixup point) seem to be able to enter in and out of this state at will, although there are some people that use drugs to achieve this state (and thus rely on pre-programmed 'reset' tactics).

I myself don't use drugs such as marijuana and E. The highest caliber of drug I use is Vicodin, and even that doesn't let me get the mental state required to do infinites well (or really any kind of flashy combo). I was wondering if any of you players who can do the infinites could give me an idea of how it feels when you're doing these combos.

For once, I'm not being judgmental or even harshly observant. I hope this entry gets some replies.

Whining about an iTunes purchase

2009-04-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

This is probably gonna be my most petty blog post ever, but it's been on my mind and won't leave until I write about it, so here goes.

Being on a bit of a nostalgia kick, I bought some '90s tunes from iTunes. One of them was the Breeders' "Cannonball". Some of you might remember this song from the mid-90s with its weird guitar shred, its nonsensical chorus of "In the shade" and that odd music video involving the lead singer dipping her head in water.

I probably should have listened to the song on YouTube a few times before buying it because I totally regret the purchase. This song is stupid. It's not even stupid in a fun way, it's just stupid, period. I guess this is buyer's remorse, because I waited until now to delete it, just because I'd paid 99 cents for it.

Yeesh. Caveat emptor, indeed. Look at all the crap I spewed just for this!

Anger McAngerson

2009-03-31T21:14:00.000-07:00

My friend Julie's father died recently, and she's broken up about it, but she's even more broken up about how her family seems to be going out of her way to make her as miserable as possible by actively preventing her from attending his funeral and screwing her out of the few things that he left her.

The worst part about it is he treated Julie so badly, and she still misses him. Human connections are so hard for me to understand sometimes. I mean, I understand wanting to see him one last time, and God bless her. But who are her sisters to be such bitches to her?

This makes me rage whenever I think about it.

Reflecting on the past

2009-03-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched the movie "Ghost Busters" at dialysis.

I'm sure most of you are familiar with the movie, and it's indeed entertaining. However, the date is starting to show. One of the antagonists is an EPA agent who risks the destruction of the city because of his concerns over the environmental hazards of the main characters' operations. His overcautiousness is played for laughs at first and then becomes the direct cause of a near cataclysmic event.

This kind of humor seems downright ignorant in modern times, when environmental concerns are very real and all but the most closed-minded, wishy washy types realize that the future of Earth is very much in doubt.

I don't know, the more I grow, the harder it is to just enjoy things at face value.

Which Pokémon are you?

2009-03-17T08:55:00.000-07:00

I don't really know anything about Pokémon, but this test was interesting.

The threat of memorization

2009-02-20T02:01:00.000-08:00

Today I said a prayer that I had memorized and realized that the words I said had no meaning, were empty and vacuous. I could reflect on the words when I wasn't praying, and understand their deeper meaning, but when I said the prayer I was in a trance. I now realize the danger of rote memorization, something which is popular in many religions but particularly Islam where you are not seen as religious unless you've memorized the Qu'ran.

Memorization is fine in its own right; it allows you to have an opportunity to meditate on words when the writing itself is not available to you. The problem comes when you get caught up in the literal meaning of the words and fail to go beyond them. This is what memorization encourages; in many cases, it is the only way that memorization is possible. In cases like this, I would say that it is bad.

Why? It limits. The words become defined by their sounds, which do much to obscure the actual meaning and intent that the words are attempting to convey. This is especially problematic with spiritual works, which try to speak of that which is without limitation, which many (including me) call God. By memorizing the sounds, you make them mental aspects, which are weak compared to the spiritual vibrations that you find in the messages as you read them.

If you were raised religious, you have probably memorized at least a few prayers. This isn't bad. You can call on the prayers when you feel frustrated and there aren't prayer books handy.

But remember to reflect on the meanings afterward; otherwise, it is pointless to pray. You would just be saying words to have those words heard; vanity. And you know it.

And God knows it, too.

Well, games aren't everything...

2009-01-29T02:15:00.000-08:00

I thought I could talk about games, but I guess I have other things I want to talk about too. This is kind of a big one, so here goes.

As some of you know, I have kidney disease. Some people aren't really aware of how bad kidney disease is, though. I spent last week in the hospital because I had fluid in my lungs making it difficult to breathe. How do I get fluid in my lungs because of kidney disease? It's because of how important kidneys are to the body.

Imagine you lived in a house where you couldn't take the trash out. Nobody was getting the trash, so you had to stick it someplace. And it just keeps growing and growing. Eventually it's going to affect your entire house. This metaphor is still insufficient in describing just how brutal kidney disease is.

I've had pulmonary edema, congestive heart failure (mostly as a result of the edema), hypothyroidism, anemia, and severe mental instability due to the kidney disease. It throws your entire balance out of whack. Worse yet, I pretty much require a kidney transplant to survive without dialysis (its own can of worms), but despite a living donor available, my transplant team has managed to bungle that, too.

All I'm saying is, some people have the idea that kidney disease is "not that bad" compared to strokes or heart or liver disease. Get that out of your head. It sucks terribly.

Why money matching is stupid

2009-01-13T02:37:00.000-08:00

The latest thing in Street Fighter seems to be money matches. Whereas the B tournaments and the first few Evos did not have many money matches, and the ones that were had were personal and not remembered, these days money matches are just as important, if not more so, than tournaments. It has gotten to the point where the rejoinder for any strategy talk that one disagrees with is "bet it, mm any amount".

Hell, people try to get into money matches these days over girls. Shit's retarded.

Honestly, I can kind of see why money matches are popular. In tournaments, the chances that you'll fight the person you have beef with is pretty low, even if you're a top player. Luck may put the guy you have beef with into a bracket against some other top player, and you can't settle your hash. With a money match, you are guaranteed a match against the person for something valuable.

However, this is where things start to get stupid.

When people say "bet it, mm any amount", onlookers start to toss in their own money, and the amounts become ridiculous. The stress becomes massive. And it's generally impossible for people to play their best. There are exceptions - the infamous Clockw0rk vs. Duc Jr. matchups in MvC2 are a good showing of where a money match actually proved something to the general public.

But did it prove something to Duc Jr.? He's still talking incredible amounts of shit. And that's why money matches are stupid. You can only justify them in two ways. Either you think they're to shut the loser up - in which case they verifiably fail at doing that. The loser may be shamed into shutting up, but on the other hand, the loser may possess no shame and keep on talking, and rallying the shameless of the group to his side.

Or, you can say "it's just a game, we're just fucking around". In which case, I can only respond with one thing: Money doesn't grow on trees. If you get off on risk, go play poker or something.

Microsoft Songsmith

2009-01-12T18:01:00.001-08:00

Well, maybe stuff about gaming later. Right now, I have to bitch about this. If you don't know what this is, just look it up on YouTube, and prepare yourself for something utterly horrible.

You know, I used to think that Microsoft, while its business practices were questionable, had making computers easier to use in mind. I even gave them the benefit of the doubt with Vista. But now it seems kind of clear that Microsoft wants to make us all into heartless robots.

Steve Jobs was a workaholic and difficult with people, but Apple's stuff had heart. I'm not going to switch to a Mac, because I hate Macs (Apple II forever), but I'm kinda not gonna defend Microsoft anymore. This Songsmith shit is giving me real grief.

"Good game" - STOP SAYING IT.

2009-01-11T01:10:00.001-08:00

I came to an epiphany today. I have a blog. I have things to say to no one in particular. Why not use my blog to - yanno - say those things? So let's get started.

And let's get started with a big one - "Good game". It's a common practice in Yu-Gi-Oh to say "good game" (or, worse yet, the shorthand "gg") after a duel - ANY duel. I find this more insulting than anything, and here's why.

1) When this is said, it usually wasn't a good game for the opponent. He got worked, owned, pasted, etc. You know it. Those matches where your opponent doesn't seem to exist? Yeah, those ones. Saying "gg" (you'll find the full "good game" is never said in those situations) just hammers the point home that you are another step in your opponent's glorious path to success. You shouldn't be surprised if they snap at you afterwards. We see through your false modesty.

2) If you lose and say this, unless you are genuine, you are an even bigger hypocrite. It is an attempt to mollify what you know was a terrible loss on your part. You shouldn't have to say it was a good game if it wasn't. If you got your ass kicked, you probably want to just acknowledge it with a simple "You kicked my ass, broski", if you say anything at all. I'd certainly prefer it to the empty "gg" that you say while your mind thinks "If I had a better hand I'd have crushed him!!!!111one"

In Street Fighter tournaments, the "gg" takes the form of the customary handshake after a match. I remember a tournament match I had once in CvS2. I completely walked all over the opponent, and he knew it, too. I knew he was pissed and would rather punch me than acknowledge that I beat him. But then he did the customary "polite" thing. I did my own customary thing - I walked away without saying anything. I had wasted time and wanted to get back to preparing for my next match.

I'm not saying that it's good to be an asshole; there's a chance I misread that dude and he was genuinely confused and hurt by my lack of manners. But he probably learned something that day after all was said and done - don't piss on someone's leg, and then tell them it's raining. I'm not a good player. If you can't beat me, you got to work on your fundamentals. From there, we can talk.

In closing, sometimes the most polite thing to do is just walk away without saying anything.

Chest Pains

2009-01-02T22:32:00.001-08:00

I had some chest pains today. My dad gave me an aspirin and I think I'm feeling better, but if I don't come online for awhile, it's because I'm in the hospital. In any case, please say some prayers or me.

CastleRealm

2008-12-25T18:32:00.000-08:00

The website CastleRealm appears to be offline, and its webmaster Lord Colm doesn't seem to be available.

This is depressing to me for a few reasons. CR was a website that was extremely helpful and comforting to me when I began my journey through the world of BDSM, and particularly when I self-realized myself as a submissive.

Many of the writings in regards to submission were based on Lord Colm's sub named jade, who died some time ago of lupus. I've wanted to believe that the fact that it was a memorial would mean it would stay online for as long as it took...

I wonder if it's on me to remember and keep what I learned from CastleRealm in my heart out of respect of her memory.

Are you in a power struggle?

2008-12-23T23:40:00.000-08:00

Taken from "Heart of the Soul" again. I'm going to juxtapose this with how I feel when I play competitive games such as Street Fighter and Yu-Gi-Oh.

Am I feeling right? I feel right if I win.

Am I certain the other person is wrong? It depends. If they employ static strategies that haven't worked before, then yes they're wrong. Crashing into a brick wall 10 times doesn't make it break down the 11th time unless your head is made of steel. And if it is, I think my brick wall is stronger.

Am I feeling hurt? In Street Fighter, I feel an intrinsic connection to my character. If they get KO'ed, I feel a certain sense of hurt. But until they reach the KO point, I can take as much punishment as the other guy can dish out. It's a little different in Yu-Gi-Oh, since the resources are split up and varied and if I lack resources, I could be vulnerable. But in terms of Life Points, I'll risk them to gain an advantage.

Am I feeling angry? Sometimes. If they use the same tactic and I fail to come up with a counter strategy, I get pretty angry and that's when my child kicks in, whining about unfairness and cheap tricks. Sometimes it takes the entire day to get that child to understand that, no, if it's in the game, it's in the game, but sometimes I do have to wonder how far people are willing to go to win.

Am I impatient? I am the embodiment of impatience.

Am I blaming others? If the crowd is haranguing me (whether it be for or against me), I am likely to take it out on them, but ultimately I know the outcome is in my hands. If my opponent is a friend to me, I am cool regardless of what happens, but if there's tension and my game is thrown off focus by the peanut gallery, things can get ugly.

Am I feeling distance from another person? Most self-help books of this type state that you should take responsibility for your emotions, but in this case I have to disagree. Whether I feel distant from a person or not is dependent on the other person. I meet them halfway every time by even challenging them in the first place. Whether they're scared of me (and God knows why someone would be scared of ME) or don't like me or whatever is irrelevant, I'm out there and a brother could just say hey. (Dr. B!)

Am I attached to an outcome? No. My feelings on winning or losing is wholly dependent on circumstance. Sometimes I actually prefer to lose.

Do I want to win? Everybody WANTS to win; preference and desire are not the same thing.

If your answer to any of these questions is yes, you are in a power struggle. Well, duh.

Take an Inventory

2008-12-18T23:04:00.001-08:00

Consider every activity that you do daily. Go through your day, beginning with when you wake, and take an inventory of your actions and your belongings. Ask these questions for everything that you do or have:

* "Do I do or have this to survive?"
* "Do I do or have this to feel more secure?"
* "Do I do or have this to feel better about myself?"
* "Do I do or have this to feel better than others?"
* "Do I do or have this to be safer?"

For every Yes, ask yourself, "How could I see the things that I do or have differently?" For example, "Instead of eating to make myself feel good, or to feel more secure, I eat so that I can take care of my body." "Instead of having my husband or wife to feel better about myself, or safer, I am with my husband or wife to be in a true partnership."

Make this a habit: Before you do anything, ask yourself, "What is my intention for doing this?"

This is something I'd have to do with myself daily, so I'm probably not going to blog about every single thing I do. But as I said before, dialysis is the big thing. I certainly do it to survive, and I have my own reasons. Perhaps I need to look at it differently. "I go to dialysis so that my body can heal." But it seems no matter how I phrase it, it comes down to survival.

I guess other exercises may help in the future?

Beyond Survival

2008-12-18T15:40:00.000-08:00

Part of a series of exercises I am doing based on a book called "Heart of the Soul" by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis. If any readers here haven't read that book, I strongly recommend you do so.

Anyway... this is the exercise:

Do this simple exercise of looking at your life to see why you do the things that you do and have the things that you have. Look deeply. Spend some quiet time. Consider why you eat, exercise, have the car that you do, have the partner you do, have the home that you do. Ask yourself, "Do I do this for survival? To feel better about myself? To feel more secure?"

The obvious thing to look at is dialysis. I, of course, go to dialysis for survival. If I don't, I will die or worse as life has proven to me. And what of it? Well, my blood-driven insanity has caused the suffering of loved ones and that's something I don't want to happen again.

As for possessions, I have very little that I would consider "mine". Perhaps the computer that I use, but even that is my mom's - my actual computer has a busted hard drive and is currently just taking up space in my room. And the computer is currently my main form of social interaction as I've become something of a hikikomori.

I don't really do anything to feel better about myself or more secure. The former is rather silly, since I'd be fooling myself, and the latter is impossible for me - right now, I'm basically under the care of my parents and sister due to my disease. They could be resentful, but I believe they genuinely aren't - I've pushed them on the issue because of my own insecurity.

So... there's the answer to that.

Can doctors do this?

2008-12-10T15:36:00.001-08:00

My mom went to urgent care for a lung problem and they gave her a medication that they should have known she'd be allergic to. Can they do this and get away with it? Something similar happened to me at Loma Linda, except thank God, I didn't have a reaction. Still... how can doctors DO this?!

Jack Chick is more than a crackpot...

2008-11-28T00:14:00.000-08:00

...he's an EVIL manipulative crackpot.

If you don't know who this guy is, he (ostensibly) draws comics about how Super Shiny Death Jesus will throw you in hell if you don't believe in Him. They're famous for being over the top and unbelievable to reasonable folks, but these tracts have actually literally scared the shit out of some weak-minded people and gotten them to convert. I read them sometimes for the lulz.

Anyway, today I notice this:

Last Rites

Pay attention to the panel where Super Shiny Death Jesus says "I am the ONLY One who can forgive sins." There's a quote from the Bible there, Mark 2:7, that Chick uses to advance his point. Oh shit, only God can forgive sins!

Except... well, read for yourself. That line was actually spoken by a Jewish scribe to try to discredit Jesus.

Which means either Jack Chick doesn't KNOW the Bible... or he's handpicking verses and quoting them out of context to advance his agenda of scaring people into "being saved".

This pisses me off. Hard.

"I'm not beautiful."

2008-11-21T12:35:00.000-08:00

My mother would probably say that.

I guess it's true she lacks some of the graces of feminine beauty that this culture values. But none of that really matters because when I look at her, I see a powerful woman that kicks ass and will not back down when she sees something she believes in being violated.

Nobody knows that more than my brother, who's studying for the Air Force right now. He's had endless arguments with her, and he thinks part of the reason he's gone is because of that.

It's... just not really true.

My mom's a warrior and an inspiration. Perhaps, someday, I can pick up on that, and stop saying about myself, "I'm not beautiful". Okay, maybe I won't go that far, but I'm certainly done believing people that say I'm ugly.

RIP Charlayne "Cookie" Gilmer

2007-12-08T01:30:00.001-08:00

An old Bahá'í friend of my mother's from childhood (and really, my friend too) died in August. I just found out about this now. I'm a little annoyed; I would have liked the chance to pay my respects. She helped my family out in a time of need. They say she died suddenly, too. I'm a bit awestruck by the whole thing.

Worn out and creatively dry

2007-10-26T00:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't written a story in months, or even really made a real attempt. I tried to write one for a friend, but I stopped after four paragraphs because I could tell it was crap. I think this might be a symptom of the fact that I am actually bipolar, because I was going through a creative burst a few months ago, and now I'm dry.

It doesn't help that I've withdrawn from one of the most major message boards I used to post to. I don't regret it, but it occasionally gave me inspiration. Now I really don't want to go anywhere. It doesn't feel like depression, but it may actually be that, I don't know.

Not sure what else to say.

My Anti-Something Awful rant

2007-09-01T02:40:00.000-07:00

Nothing in particular triggered this. I just had to get it off my chest since I've kept it to myself too long.

Something Awful is the worst fucking God-damn site on the Internet. There's a lot of talk about evil's presence on the Internet. Some people point it to YTMND with their rabid fanbase of juvenile poop-humor junkies. Other people point to 4chan with their... rabid fanbase of juvenile poop-humor junkies. But at least they know they're juvenile poop-humor junkies.

SA.com represents the worst kind of Internet troll - the people that realize they're Internet trolls and therefore consider themselves somehow beyond their trolling ways. They're "meta-trolling". The very tag line of the site itself, "The Internet makes you stupid", betrays that fact.

I used to visit the site on occasion because sometimes in their ecstasy-derived non sequitur rants, they'd stumble unto something funny. I came more frequently when the Flash Tub came out, which was consistently funny for awhile. (I actually still have some of the songs on my iPod, "Internet Sysop" being the last one worth listening to.)

But then Shmorky went fucking insane and now all the Flash Tub is, is idiotic Satanic nonsense. I only go to the website now in hopes that this week's Flash Tub will not be retarded. I'm always disappointed.

So this rant went on too long. I'll just close by saying, I got introduced to two very good webcomics because they were "Awful Links", and I'm sure that when SA.com staff run out of "lulz", they'll list themselves as an Awful Link, because they're just so tragically hip like that. Fuck that site.

Thank you, Pete Abrams!

2007-08-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=070821

Whoever perpetuated the myth that kicking women in the jimmy is not effective needs to get bent. Wait... I think it was Mike Judge. x_x

Quitting Wikipedia

2007-07-23T17:15:00.002-07:00

I decided to leave Wikipedia. There are a variety of reasons for this, but the main one is that the idea of an encyclopedia that anyone can edit invites all sorts of mischief which takes a great deal of effort to defend against. It's not something I consider to be worth anyone's time, considering there are good encyclopedias out there for people to read. It's a nice idea, but is flawed on its face.

But there's also a particular reason which caused me to actually make the decision to leave - Wikipedia's obsession with keeping a "neutral point of view" led to a situation where I would have been forced to accept something which was against my Faith to accept. I don't want to go into details, but people who are Bahá'ís and have been on Wikipedia probably know what I'm talking about.

Between this and Shoryuken, my online life seems to be changing every day.

Family Fun

2007-07-22T16:37:00.000-07:00

I went on Saturday to Family Fun with Marcos, Albert (Marcos' brother-in-law, not JAL), José and Chip. I guess it was pretty fun. I met Magnetro, saw Christian for the first time in awhile, and played Guilty Gear Accent Core for the first time (Baiken is really weird).

Apparently it's now a running gag to ask me about my sister. I recommend you don't do that or I just won't acknowledge you.

Overall, though, Family Fun is just too damn far for me to think about going there often.

Hell in a handbasket

2007-07-06T18:07:00.001-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070707/ap_on_re_us/gang_rape_teens

This is more proof to me that hell is exclusively occupied by the stupid.

Attention whores

2007-06-09T03:04:00.000-07:00

Why do they exist?

I'm getting very sick and tired of having to sort the truth from the bullshit, and they don't help at all.

Hospital stay

2007-06-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

Without going to too much detail, I want to make some suggestions for those who might still read this blog.

If you ever feel like your chest is hurting when you sleep, don't ignore it; go see a doctor. It is usually a sign of something more serious, and if it's not, better safe than sorry, trust me. Chest pain when laying down is almost always a sign of some kind of lung condition, and those are not pleasant in any way.

I was hospitalized for pulmonary edema. They managed to get rid of most of the fluid because it was in my blood, but it was not fun. I remember at one point I was clinging to a nurse, not because she was attractive in any way (although she was), but because I was scared I was going to drown and I wanted to hold onto something.

I also got a catheter in a bad place. Yuck.

But it wasn't all bad, my dad's supervisor said a prayer for me and my family visited a lot, and I saw some movies. "Idiocracy" is one I recommend everyone watch, and I still don't understand why everyone hates "X-Men 3" so much. Peace.

Diablo II

2007-05-13T04:41:00.000-07:00

I played Diablo II with Julie tonight, and it was a blast. The first time I played with her, I was afraid I would get in her way because it was a new game to me (she actually sent me a copy. Long story.), but this time I just tagged along with her and kowtowed to her superior experience, and I did well. Of course, my old character expired since I hadn't played for months before, but I did alright.

Probably the most memorable part was when I beat the first boss, and on our way back to town Julie asked me "Do you have a weapon?" I checked and realized I beat the boss down with my bare hands. ^_^

gash_rating stamp

2006-07-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

Killing in the name of...

2006-05-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

I don't have the heart to rewrite this, so just visit this link:

http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/view.php?StoryID=20060422-081251-1163r

While I cry at movies and shows of all kinds, things in the real world that have the capacity to make me cry are rare. This is one of them.

Quitting Street Fighter

2006-05-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

Well, this is partly because my brother quit, too (although I doubt he'll do it permanently; he just likes kicking people's asses too much), but mostly because I'm disenchanted with the scene in general. I really don't want to say too much more about it. It really has little to do with anyone who might be reading this.

Seriously, though, the only real difference between then and now is now I'm admitting it. I never really was that serious to begin with.

Azrael Blinks

2006-03-16T16:05:00.000-08:00

I have an appointment with my surgeon March 28th.

Finally?

Well, my family, particularly my mom, is starting to get all the concerns that I had when this whole transplant thing began; mainly, that the surgeon will fuck up and I'll die. I spent about three hours last night talking my mom through another bout of despair. She needs to believe that I'll survive the operation.

What do I believe? Honestly, I think I'll survive precisely because I don't want to survive it. I think I still have something left in this life to learn. I've already resigned myself to the belief that dreams are dreams and I have to focus on reality. I've given up ideas of being in the film business. I want to learn history, and perhaps teach it.

But quite honestly, it would be a real gift if something "bad" were to happen. This life bores me. Between the friends I have who feel like they want out as well, and the acquaintances who don't give a damn either way, I feel like what we call reality is a minimum-security prison designed to encourage people to stay, even though they are free to leave at any time.

I will not commit suicide because my religion explicitly forbids it, and all I have to go on is my faith. And if I do survive the transplant, I'll do what I have to in needs of continued survival. But I won't hang on to hope anymore.

As I wrote for a character once, hope is for the people who still believe in chance.

Music reviews...

2006-01-31T00:58:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to notice that a lot of music reviewers are taking a rather vehement tone. "Questionable Content" notwithstanding, people seem to have no sense of humor regarding their taste in music, and speak out of both sides of their mouth regarding certain iconic artists. Far be it from me to join in the noise. I just bought a few records, and I want to review them, and I figure this is a good place for it.

Okay, awaaay we go...

Rush "Moving Pictures": I've actually "had" this album before the computer crash, but haven't actually bought it until now. And, quite frankly, this album is amazing and essential. If you don't like this album, I'm going to have to question your sanity. It contains the quintessential geek driver's anthem ("Red Barchetta"), the greatest musical testimony of fame ever recorded ("Limelight"), and of course, "Tom Sawyer", for those of you that remember. What would I rank it? Well, I try to only buy records that are nines or tens. This is definitely a ten.

Rush "Vapor Trails": Rush's newest non-cover album. It's hard to believe this came out in 2002. This album is very unlike "Moving Pictures"; it's quite rough around the edges and, if it weren't for the unmistakable voice of Geddy Lee, could be taken as a Tool record. There's a lot of catharsis here, as this is the first record Neil Peart wrote since he lost his daughter and wife. But you come out feeling hopeful and willing to move forward, unlike anything that ever came out of the mind of Maynard James Keenan. (Yes, I don't like him.) This would be another ten, but if you've never heard Rush before, listen to "Moving Pictures" or "2112" first.

The Smashing Pumpkins "Greatest Hits (or, Rotten Apples)": I'm still not sure why I bought this. I wanted to re-purchase Richard Ashcroft's "Human Conditions", but the record store didn't have it, and I was feeling sentimental when I saw this. Frankly, the record is kind of sad for a few reasons - it relates Corgan's ostracization from the music scene (not that him or I care about such things), and it's missing a few important songs, such as "Thirty-Three". But hey, it has the only purchasable version of "Untitled" and most of the good songs. This one I'd have to give an eight.

Billy Corgan "TheFutureEmbrace": I've been looking forward to buying this album for a long time, and now that I have it, I am frankly a little bit disappointed. A little bit, mind you. I really like the album, but it's not as immersive as his work with the Pumpkins. Critics like to tear Billy Corgan apart, and quite frankly I think most of them are fucktarded, but a few of them unfortunately make good points - the album has a hint of stagnation. There are some lovely songs ("A-100" and the single "Walking Shade") and there's nothing that stands out as bad, but it doesn't sound as happy as "Mary Star of the Sea". Number? Forget it, I'd rather not in this case.

Power Color...

2006-01-29T18:51:00.000-08:00

Your Power Color Is Teal

At Your Highest:

You feel accomplished and optimistic about the future.

At Your Lowest:

You feel in a slump and lack creativity.

In Love:

You tend to be many people's ideal partner.

How You're Attractive:

You make people feel confident and accepted.

Your Eternal Question:

"What Impression Am I Giving?"

What's Your Power Color?

Which Sailor Moon character are you?

2006-01-24T04:43:00.000-08:00

I am Sailor Pluto! (the image doesn't fit on the blog.)
Which Sailor Moon character are you?

Fandom is retarded.

2006-01-13T17:46:00.000-08:00

Riddle me this, folks... how can you claim to be a fan of a certain television series (anime be damned, they are television series), call its creator a genius etc., then turn around and say a certain character is the "spawn of Satan" and denigrate everything she does? Doesn't that make you a hypocrite?

If you've figured it out by now, yes, I'm talking about the Anti-Chibiusa cult that has developed in the Sailormoon fanbase. If you say you like Sailormoon, but hate Chibiusa, fuck you. I hope you die of uterine cancer. If you're a man, I hope you develop a uterus just so you can get uterine cancer.

This also goes to the "Sasughey" faction of the Narutards. Get bladder cancer and die.

Sometimes God hands you clear signs.

2006-01-10T02:34:00.000-08:00

My brother went to the emergency room for... an unmentionable condition. While I was there, I had an overwhelming feeling of serendipity, like I was meant to be there. Upon further thought, I decided that I needed to simplify my life to prepare for my upcoming transplant.

Two links are missing from the right - GlobalMUSH and Shoryuken. The former was removed because I actually changed the password to my account and then forgot about it. None of the wizards visit the area anymore, and even the MUD's most devout adherent, Adrick, is 100% sure that the site will disappear in the near-future.

Shoryuken is gone because no matter what I do, I always seem to get flamed by morons. The advent of MvC2 and Magneto have made a lot of people lose self-consciousness about their idiocy, and they just flamboyantly prove time and time again that they deserve to walk into a moving truck. So I just made my peace and left.

It feels good. Simplifying doesn't feel so hard anymore.

A story about high school crushes

2006-01-03T15:38:00.000-08:00

Well, when I was in high school, there was this girl I liked a lot. Her name was Gwen... ultimately, I didn't tell her because she had good grades, was sociable, and had a future, whereas I was too busy pretending to be a cartoon character on the Internet to make anything out of my opportunity at education.

I ended up being friends with her though, along with two other kids (Starla and Michael) because we sat in the same area in one of our classes senior year. I was thinking about telling her my feelings at graduation, and ultimately decided against it.

Today, on a whim, I check MySpace for people who I would have known in high school, and I find her. She's married with a child on the way...

I'm happy for her and I mean that 100%... which I am currently observing with a bemused kind of wonder.

Revenge of the MeMe (Villain Type)

2006-01-02T22:16:00.000-08:00

What Type of Villain are You?

mutedfaith.com.

Sounds about right.

RIP Caswell Ellis

2005-12-22T15:43:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, I am a Bahá'í.

In every city with more than nine Bahá'ís, we are generally required to elect a Spiritual Assembly local to the city. It is up to that Assembly to decide affairs of much difficulty for individuals, as well as to organize teaching projects to raise awareness of the Faith.

A week ago, I met with them to discuss psychological and spiritual issues I was having regarding the kidney transplant. I felt very ashamed. I have not been a good Bahá'í. Not only do I go running off the mouth here as well as in other places of the Internet, I have generally been scornful of them, thinking that the California lifestyle rubbed off on them.

It was a severely humbling experience, but they did not chastize me, instead they welcomed me with open arms and discussed the issues I have, without judging me. One Bahá'í, in particular, was affectionate with me despite my own emotional distance...

His name was Caswell Ellis. He was a tall African-American man, very old. I could tell he was in pain, but it did not affect his desire to convey in all ways his support through this difficult time for me.

After the meeting, he was hospitalized. The doctors discovered that he had had cancer of the lungs for a very long time, but it was so severe that there was nothing they could do. They sent him home, in the words of his sister, "to die".

As everybody here knows, I hate doctors. But that's not the whole truth, because I wouldn't be here today without their medical assistance. I don't understand how a doctor can simply give up, especially in this case. Especially in this case.

He died yesterday, while I was with my family doing Christmas things.

MvC2 Blackheart FAQ update

2005-12-18T22:41:00.000-08:00

Version 1.5 was submitted to GameFAQs and should be uploaded shortly.

Checkitoutcheckitoutcheckitoutcheckitoutcheckitout...

Which Naruto character are you?

2005-12-17T06:46:00.000-08:00

Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com

YES!

Better living through chemistry

2005-12-13T21:26:00.000-08:00

I went to the hospital complaining of chest pains. I was pretty sure it wasn't a big deal, but everyone I told about the pain said I should go. I was there from about midnight to 5 in the morning. I got some Pepcid and was sent home.

Woo hoo.

Reboot

2005-11-17T20:35:00.000-08:00

I'm starting over again.

First the ground rules:

* My Internet name is Danny Lilithborne. The name "Dasrik" is for gamers; I use various other names elsewhere. This is just an explanation for the name change.

* I'll only post here when I have something to say; this supercedes my MySpace blog and whatever other blogs I might have out there.

* Interesting dreams go into the LiveJournal account, so if you're a pervert wanting to see if I have any sexy dreams, go to the "My dream journal" link.